


Pale Beneath The Tan

by Beth1A4



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Gay, Gay Male Character, M/M, Online Dating, Online Relationship, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-14 18:39:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15394989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth1A4/pseuds/Beth1A4
Summary: Young 16 year old Hyungwon logs onto a chat website and starts to talking to 19 year old Wonho, they become close as friends and both realise that they liked eachother as more. They would make a perfect couple if only Wonho didn't live 6,000 miles away.Over the years as they realise their chance of being together is impossible; they drift apart. Hyungwon moves on and grows up as does Wonho. Aside from the occasional message when they stumble upon the number in their phone there's nothing. Until, Wonho gets the chance to vacation in America and decides to pay Hyungwon a visit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Really sorry about how most of the text is one big block, I couldn't find a way to fix it. 
> 
> Promise the next chapter will not be written like this! Hope you enjoy anyway.

Hyungwon was tired. He was tired of school. He was tired of home and he was tired of having to hide himself. Hyungwon was gay, he knew it for sure; there was no denying it like he used to. He walked towards to window of his bedroom, the sky had begun to darken. Light red and pink hues hungover the street he lived on. The road was empty as always, there was a couple houses in front of his but mostly there was a big empty park. Sometimes there would be a couple neighbourhood kids playing there but not for the past few weeks. School had started and seemed to drain the life from everyone who went. Even the smart, popular kids were depressed, mental illness was pretty much a fashion trend these days. 

Hyungwon had more of a reason to be depressed. He was bullied at school, he was hated at home and he was the most insecure he had ever been. He moved from the window to his full length mirror and stared at his reflection. His tall, skinny body, his long brown hair and thick lips. He was good looking sure, but all that was hidden by a slow puberty and thick glasses. Nobody knew his was gay, not for sure anyway. Maybe his parents and couple people at school assumed it but Hyungwon was not open about it, he hid it pretty well. But he was tired of that, of hiding who he really was. If there was one thing Hyungwon wanted most; it was to be himself. "Hyungwon, dinner is ready!" His mother shouted from the bottoms of the stairs. "Coming" He said still staring into his own eyes. 

Dinner was chicken and vegetables with mashed potatoes. Hyungwon's father was glaring at him from across the table, but he was trying to ignore it and focus on eating. The silence in the room was only broken by the sounds of cutlery clanging on china plates and the sound of eating. Things had been tense in the house ever since Hyungwon's younger brother Hyungmin found his stash of gay porn. Not that it was really gay porn, more like a collection of male bodies torn from various fashion magazines. Either way; his father was not impressed. "So" Hyungwon's mother said finally breaking the silence "Hyungwon, how's your new routine going?". The only thing that seemed to back Hyungwon happy anymore was his dancing. He'd been doing it for as long as he could remember, since starting high school he had won multiple competitions. He was good and he knew it. "It's going good mom" He smiled still ignoring the glares burning into his skin. "And studies? How're you finding Junior year? It's supposedly a lot of work right?" She tried her hardest to ignore it too. "Yeah it's okay. Lot's of homework though" He accidentally made eye contact with his father for a millisecond after he spoke. His eyes quickly darted back to the plate in front of him, it was half eaten. Not enough to ask to be excused though. "Min-min" His mother turned her attention to his brother who was scoffing quick mouthfuls of food. "Yeah?" He said with a few crumbs falling from his mouth. "How do you like high school so far?" "It's fine." Hyungmin answered then immediately went back to eating. Once again, silence filled the room. Hyungwon didn't want to eat anymore, he felt sick from the anxiety. He took a sip of water before standing up "Sorry, I really need to finish an assignment for tomorrow" he began walking away still feeling the burning from his fathers eyes and seeing the disappointment in his mothers face. It wasn't her fault he felt unwanted, she tried her best but she couldn't control his father. Hyungwon closed the door of the bedroom and leaned forward resting his head on the wood. The room was dark and he didn't feel like turning on the light, he didn't feel like doing anything except lying down and staring into nothingness. Something in him decided to go to his older brothers room, he hadn't been in there since the summer. Seokwoo was in his second year of college studying Economics. He only came home when he really need to. Hyungwon got along with Seokwoo, they were close. He looked around the half emptied room, the only things remaining that showed Seokwoo's personality was was a poster of Girls Generation and old classic books. Seokwoo had always been smart and popular, their parents adored him; in fact everyone adored Seokwoo. Hyungwon felt more depressed the longer he stayed in there, he wandered back to his room in darkness. The next day was another school day. The room was still dark when Hyungwon's alarm buzzed, he decided to lie there a little longer. Eventually the sunrise began to seep through the window. Hyungwon got caught in the rain on his walk to school, his uniform was soaked but he had already given up at this point. Once he reached the big glass doors he felt truly miserable, there were students inside running and shouting. Instead of going to find his group Hyungwon headed for the bathroom. He felt sick again, his tummy was aching as though he needed to use the toilet but also like he was going to throw up. He leaned over the sink of the gross bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He never considered himself handsome. He needed glasses and was smaller than the other boys. No girls seemed to be interested him, not that he really cared about girls anyway; but it would have been nice. "Hyungwon, are you alright?" Dylan was stood behind him so Hyungwon could also see his reflection. Dylan had been Hyungwon's best friend since starting high school. Hyungwon didn't really feel close to his group of friends. They all seemed fake, but he figured it was just high school anyway. "Yeah, just got wet on the way here" Hyungwon turned to face his friend and smiled. "Come on dude, class starts soon" Dylan patted Hyungwon's back and they headed to class. "Math. Fuck math." Hyungwon thought as he watched the teacher write equations on the board. He tried he hardest to focus and figure out what was happening but it didn't work. Nothing could help him with math. "Psst, Hyungwon" He heard a familiar voice from the desk behind him. He didn't turn around. "Oi, faggot" the voice barely whispered. He knew who it was, Ryan. The typical popular, drug-taking partying dick head. The only reason people hung around with him was because his parents were never home and so he could throw cocaine fuelled parties every weekend. He was stupid and ignorant and the whole school knew it, but they ignored it. "What is it?" Hyungwon darted his head back. "I can't see the whiteboard, your huge head is in the way" Ryan laughed to himself and a couple of his brain-dead friends laughed along. Hyungwon pulled a face of anger but not at the insult, it was more at how stupid the insult was. Even Ryan knew that Hyungwon had a small head. But even so, the joke was not funny. "Pft" Hyungwon spat and turned around to face the board. The clock above the equations read that the day was almost over, 30 minutes to go until he could leave. "In half an hour, I'll be fine" Hyungwon told himself. "I hate homos" Ryan whispered behind Hyungwon just loud enough for him to hear "I hate chinks too". Hyungwon's body stiffened, he could hear the true hatred in Ryan's voice. Without thinking his hand shot up "Mr. Glover!" He said. "Yes?" The teacher replied. "May I leave? I'm not feeling so good" Hyungwon's voice was shaking, he hated drawing attention to himself but he knew he had to leave. "Mr. Chae" The teacher began "There is less than 30 minutes of this class left. You're not excused." He returned to finishing the equation and Hyungwon's heart sunk and his stomach reached his throat. "Pussy" Ryan coughed. The last 25 minutes didn't feel real. Hyungwon spaced out so much he felt like he was staring at the floor until the bell went to signalise home time. "Hyungwon" Mr. Glover began "Stay behind for a little while please". Hyungwon didn't know whether to feel happy or scared. His chances of getting beaten up on the way out of the school diminished but getting a detention was not what he needed right now. As the class faded out Hyungwon with his backpack slung over his shoulder headed to the teachers desk "I'm sorry for asking to leave" He said. "It's not about that Hyungwon" Mr Glover said "It's about your grades" he placed Hyungwon's last test in front of him with a score mark "60" in read pen. "You're capable of more than this. If you want to go to Colorado State like your brother-" "I don't want to go there" Hyungwon interrupted "Sorry about my grades. I'll try to improve" without thinking he just left. It was rude and he knew it but he didn't care he just wanted to get away from everyone for a while. As he stood in the hallway between the PE room and the large glass doors where everyone was fleeing too; he realised he had two options. Dance or go home and wallow in his depression. There were a couple of boys getting changed in the locker room for their sports events, not the football team however. They had their own locker room. Hyungwon ignored the boys who were half naked in there, he was not in the mood for that right now. He quickly changed into some more appropriate dancing clothes and headed into the empty studio. The dance teacher had allowed him access as many times as he needed so long as he remembered to clean up and be gone before 7pm. He breathed in the smell of wood and basked the cool air. Dancing was something he truly loved, when he was dancing he could be himself, he could be confident and proud of who he was. There was routine he had recently choreographed to Charlie Puth's "How Long" and he needed to practice until it was mastered and perfect. As soon as the music started it was like he knew exactly what he needed to do, the moves just came to him like it was his nature. He watched himself in the mirror and felt good. He danced and danced until he felt like his body could take no more and his face was drenched in sweat. He had managed to perfect the choreography as well as a couple more. Hyungwon collapsed against the back wall before drinking nearly an entire bottle of water, with the music still playing in the background he tried to catch his breath. It felt like he could think more clearly now, his thoughts were no longer scattered. This was what he wanted to do, he wasn't interested in being academic or a scholar; he wanted to dance. "I've already disappointed my parents by being gay" He told himself "I can't really make it worse". He looked outside the only small window and noticed it was getting dark, he had to be home soon. Hyungwon arrived home after dinner had already been eaten. He could hear the TV playing in the living room but didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. His mother usually left a plate of what was left in the microwave for him. Today it was spaghetti. Hyungwon looked at it for a moment before realising it wasn't worth the energy to heat it up again and opted for a packet of potato chips and a soda for his dinner instead. He placed his snack on the desk beside his computer screen and turned on his PC before placing his headphones on. Hyungwon also had a talent and interest in producing songs and making remixes. He didn't know how to play any instruments but sometimes he sang and he was good, at least he hoped he was. He had never sung in front of anyone before, he never planned too. Today though, he was far too tired to work on any tracks he had made and decided to do something different. Opened spotify and played one of his favourite playlists. Now what? He thought staring at his monitor. He thought about trying a random chat website and maybe trying to make some friends. He liked the couple he hung around with but he knew those friendships wouldn't last once high school was over. He felt like he needed someone. He deep connection. A real friendship. He had to create an admin name to use the chat room. Hyungwon thought for while. Admin names always turned out cringey no matter what they were. He slowly began to type "Chae18". He shrugged as it was the most normal name he could think off. Once his account was made and accepted he the option to search for things to talk about. Without thinking he typed in "Gay". Hoping it would be someone he could talk to who understood what he was going through. Instead it was a bunch of men sending pictures of their penises and messages asking for Hyungwon's age and if he was interested in fucking. He sighed and deleted that option. In place of that he wrote "South Korean". Hyungwon's father was born there but moved to America as a child. His mother had lived her all her life and had never been to Korea. Neither had Hyungwon or his brothers. His parents were never interested in teaching them the language or culture of Korea, they seemed to be more occupied with blending in as Americans. Hyungwon had felt at a loss because of this. He wanted to know more about his culture rather than just K-pop and food. He decided to join a group chat for South Korean's who spoke English. It was buzzing with people exchanging facts and stories from South Korea. Chae18: Hi, I’m from America but my father is from South Korea. I have never been before though. _SolMin_: Hello Chae18! Feel free to ask any questions about South Korea. xHanYoungx: Hi there, I’m Korean-American too! JihyoCutie2014: You should come visit, it’s beautiful. Hyungwon smiled at the responses he felt welcomed in the chat much more than anywhere before. He clicked on the link that showed the people in the group chat, there was at least 25-30 from what he could tell. He began to read through the names and look at the images of those involved. Those who had to spoke too seemed to be a lot older than he was. He was going to click off and reply to the group chat when he saw a photo of someone who looked to be the same age. He froze his curser for moment to read the admin name of the person. “Wonwon” He spoke out loud, he smiled thinking it was cute. Hyungwon looked closer at the icon of Wonwon. He was a boy with black hair and skin as pale as Tofu. His dark eyes seemed to be staring right back into Hyungwons own. He had a bright smile that his personality shone straight through with. There was something about him that made Hyungwon want to know more. The more he looked at the photograph the more butterflies flew around his stomach. He clicked on the chat button and thought about typing a message. Suddenly the excitement of typing something was replaced with the feelings of inadequacy and nervousness. He was attracted to this boy. The first "real life" boy he had ever been attracted too. The thought of rejection was enough to make Hyungwon feel sick. He was no where as handsome as this boy was, he felt like it would be a complete waste of him to try to talk to him. Hell, for all he knew this boy could be straight. He removed his hands from the keyboard and lay back in his chair. He thought about the stuff that Ryan had told him earlier, people really must hate homos, in Korea especially. There was all these YouTube videos about how homophobic South Korea was, Hyungwon had watched them in hope of gaining some understanding of why his dad was so angry at him. "What if Wonwon thinks the same way" He thought to himself. He decided it was better to not message this boy. He was too cute. He might not be gay and Hyungwon was too insecure to talk to anyone he found attractive. Instead he left the group chat and got into the shower. He was stinking badly from all the dancing and needed a place to think quietly for a while. The warm water was a welcomed feeling for Hyungwon's tired body. He stood there with the water dripping all over him and thought about "Wonwon". The name still made him smile, it was so cute. He thought about what it would be like, if things worked out the way he wanted. He could move to Korea when he was older, he would be in a relationship with this boy, he could finally be happy. He imagined the profile picture of Wonwon, he looked strong and older. His face was incredibly adorable and that smile was so captivating. Since Hyungwon had lost his collection of naked men he had to use his imagination whenever hormones got the best of him. Luckily Hyungwon was very good at visualising. Once he had done what he needed to and clean himself until he was satisfied; Hyungwon wrapped a towel around his wasted and headed back into his room. He sat on his desk chair and spun around for a little while pondering if he was going to watch Netflix until 2am or go to sleep. A noise for his notifications tuned and his head snapped around to view his computer screen. [New Message From: Wonwon]. Hyungwons heart began to beat fast. All the sweat that he has just washed off reappeared and his face drained of color. "Shit" He whispered to himself. Eventually with quick movements and staggered breath he clicked on the notification and opened the message.


	2. Chapter 2

Hyungwon’s breath caught in his throat as he read the message and took in every word. 

Wonwon: Did you view my profile? 

The message itself was simple enough but what did it mean? Was Hyungwon just supposed to answer simply or give a reason or apologise? He was confused but noticed that whilst he was thinking about what to reply his hands had already began to type back. 

Chae18: Yes I did, sorry. 

He hit enter and waited. Apologising is what Hyungwon was good at, he was already doing something wrong and felt like he had to be sorry for just existing at this point. Within 30 seconds the “Read, 21:54” appeared and Hyungwon’s breathing halted again. Except this time he was forced to breathe after waiting for 5 minutes. The symbol did not changed and it appeared the conversation had been dropped before it started.   
Hyungwon sighed and minimized the chat; there was no point in staring at it. He opted instead to watch some YouTube tech videos feeling like it was too early to sleep. He had hoped that maybe Wonwon just wasn’t good at English and had to take his time to write back. Unfortunately, as time ticked on he realized that bad English wasn’t the thing stopping Wonwon from writing back. Hyungwon’s eyes drifted from the video about the next iPhone to the time. It was past 11pm and there was still no sign of a reply. Not even a writing symbol.   
Hyungwon was ready to turn off the computer and head to bed when there was a notification sound. He knew it couldn’t be anyone else because the friends he had never bothered to check on him. He looked. It was a message from Wonwon. His heart jumped and a smile grew on his face before he even read the message. 

Wonwon: It’s okay. I’m Wonho, nice to meet you. 

Chae18: I’m Hyungwon it’s nice to meet you too. 

Hyungwon didn’t hesitate to reply and he wondered if that was weird. He had never spoken to someone he liked before, this was terrifying to him. He didn’t know how to talk properly to a stranger let alone how to flirt with them. 

Wonwon: How old are you Hyungwon? 

Chae18: I’m 16, how old are you?

Wonwon: I’m 19. Do you live in South Korea?

Chae18: No, I’m from Colorado USA. But I am Korean too.

Wonwon: That’s so cool, I’m from Anyang in South Korea. 

Chae18: I think my father was born somewhere near Busan. 

 

Wonwon: Do you visit? 

Chae18: No, we don’t talk much about Korea. My father doesn’t like to talk about it, he tries to teach us to be more American than Korean. 

Hyungwon sat back after typing that message. It seemed too deep for a first conversation but he felt like he had to say it. His father had moved to the states as soon as he turned 18, he never spoke about Hyungwon’s grandparents or what life was like in Korea. His mother was born here and they often visited her parents who told Hyungwon stories about South Korea but they both died before Hyungwon reached 6 years old, most of the memories of them were vague. He remembered eating some spicy food whilst he was at their house however. It seemed as though his father wanted to act as though he was a true American. It was sad to think about, Hyungwon and his brothers were interested in their heritage but were never given the chance to experience it. 

Wonwon: You should come here one day. Seoul is popular. 

Chae18: I wouldn’t be able to afford it and I’m too young. 

Wonwon: Maybe in a few years? You need to add a profile picture too, so I can see what you look like.

The idea of posting a photo of himself was daunting. Hyungwon’s self esteem was so low and beaten down that he never wanted to take pictures of himself. However, there was one photo that he liked. It was from a summer dance competition he had been a part of. He opened the file and looked at the image. Hyungwon was midway through the dance routine when his mother snapped the photo. He admired the way he looked, he was so focused on dancing that he didn’t care what he looked like. But the photo was beautiful, the lights and the position he was in made him look very attractive. Even his face, without the glasses and the acne he had being hidden by make-up; looked very cute. He decided to use that one, without much more hesitation he uploaded the photo and set it to his profile photo. 

Chae18: How’s this one? 

He attached the link of the photo along with the message and anxiously waited for Wonho’s response. It took a couple of minutes but finally there was a   
reply. 

Wonwon: Nice photo . Do you dance?

 

Chae18: Yes, I do dancing competitions and make up my own routines. I love dancing a lot. 

Wonwon: That is really cool. You are handsome too. 

The words made Hyungwon’s face light up, he couldn’t believe that someone as attractive as this guy would call him handsome. His face burned as he re-read the words again and again, but he knew he had to play it cool. He had to play the character that the photo represented, confident and carefree. The things that Hyungwon was not. 

Chae18: Thank you. You’re handsome too. 

Wonwon: Haha a lot of people tell me. I have to go to class now but we can talk later on if you like? 

Chae18: Yeah, maybe the same time tomorrow? It’s late here and I should be getting to sleep. 

Wonwon: Sure thing. Goodnight!

Chae18: Goodnight .

Hyungwon logged out of the chat and shut down his computer. He was smiling from ear to ear and there was no way of stopping it. “A cute boy said I was handsome!” was the only thought rushing round his head. He giggled to himself before throwing on some boxer shorts and sliding into his sheets, tonight might be the one night he gets to fall asleep smiling. The last thing on his mind before he drifted off was the idea of meeting Wonho in persona and seeing that beautiful smile in person. 

The next morning was pancake morning. Every Friday Hyungwon’s mother insisted on them all eating together before leaving for work or school. This meant Hyungwon had to be up and ready for 7:30am, an hour before he had to usually wake for school. He and his brothers both despised pancake morning, but they did it every week as they knew it made their mother happy (and stopped her from complaining). “What do you have today sweetie?” Hyungwon’s mother asked placing a plate of syrup covered pancakes in front on him. “Class until 2 and then I’m heading to the park with some friends” Hyungwon wasn’t feeling like eating pure sugar this early, he poked at the pancakes with his fork. 

Hyungmin was scoffing his pancakes whilst watching some stupid YouTube video about fidget spinners. Hyungwon sighed and attempted to eat a forkful but struggled swallowing it. “You’re looking thin” Hyungwon’s father spoke up over the morning paper “Are you eating properly?” His English was impeccable but the Korean accent was definitely still there. “Yes Dad” Hyungwon took another forkful and forced himself to swallow it. “You know son, I’m only looking out for you” The words his father were speaking were supposed to be comforting but the sternness of his voice only made them sound threatening. “Yes Dad, I’m sorry” Hyungwon nervously took a sip of orange juice. “Good” His father had now began to dig into the pancakes in front of him “Make sure you eat enough. Otherwise you’ll never get a girlfriend. Girls hate skinny boys.”. Hyungwon wanted to burst out and say he didn’t care what girls liked or what girls hated because he didn’t care about girls; but he held his tongue. “Yes Dad, I’ll eat more”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for now! Will most likely be uploading in a weeks time with a much larger chapter. I have big plans for this story.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a couple weeks since Hyungwon and Wonho had started talking. They spoke every night without fail, sometimes during the day if Wonho wasn’t sleeping. Hyungwon had never been in love before and had no concept of what it felt like. But when he spoke to Wonho he felt something amazing, he felt wanted and at the very least he felt liked. Wonho had been there for him, they laughed at the same things and had the same opinions on music and movies. However, no matter how happy Hyungwon was in those moments with Wonho, there was always this nagging feeling that it wasn’t meant to last. Hyungwon understood that his chances of meeting Wonho in real life were almost nil, but he could still talk to him and that was enough for now. 

“Who are you texting?” Peter’s voice was directed towards Hyungwon. He looked up from his phone and towards the 3 faces staring at him. “My mom” Hyungwon answered. “You’ve been texting your mom for the past 20 minutes?” Peter questioned. Hyungwon nodded “It’s a family thing, done now though” he sent a final message to Wonho stating that he had to go and slid his phone in his pocket. “So my parents are going out of town tomorrow and my sister is staying at her boyfriends, I was thinking of throwing a little party” Dylan said. There was a slight chuckle of laughter from the rest of the group, they weren’t very popular and the thought of throwing a party was funny. “No one would come, it’d just be us” Jake was the last of Hyungwon’s friends. He was short and chubby with a collection of pimples near his nose. 

Peter and Dylan were slightly more attractive than him, not much however. “Come on, we can just invite who we know and maybe more people will come” Dylan said “I got some friends from another school that’s coming”. Hyungwon frowned “You don’t have any other friends”. The other two boys laughed. “Shut up I do.” Dylan tried to play off the little dig “Just ask around please guys, it might be a lot of fun”. They sighed but agreed. “Fine” Peter said “But I really doubt it’ll make a difference”. 

It did make a difference. In the afternoon before the party Hyungwon had been invited to a Facebook group by Dylan. There was 75 other people in the group. Turns out Ryan’s parents had grounded him for smoking weed in his bedroom. The boys asked around and before they knew it all the popular kids had told their friends and the party was truly going to happen. 

Chae18: I’m going to a party tonight. 

Wonwon: Are you not excited about it?

Chae18: Not really. I get nervous, but all my friends will be there.

Wonwon: You can always message me when you’re afraid, I’ll help you. 

Chae18: It means a lot, thank you.

Wonwon: That’s what friends are for. 

“Friends” Hyungwon said out loud from his computer screen “Friends”. It hurt to read it. He had tried to flirt with Wonho multiple times but it seemed like his style of flirting (or lack of style) wasn’t very noticeable. Wonho still didn’t know Hyungwon was gay. He should tell him soon. 

Chae18: Yeah. I have to go now, I’ll talk to you later.

Wonwon: Bye-bye!

Hyungwon looked at himself in the mirror. He decided to try out his contact lenses for the first time in a while. Without his glasses and with his hair styled well, he looked good. He smiled at himself, feeling happy and kind of excited he headed downstairs. “Can I have a ride to Dylan’s house” He looked at his mom who was busy preparing dinner. “I’m in the middle of this sweetie, ask your father” She smiled at him “You look very handsome”. Hyungwon thanked her and walked into the living room. His father was sat with his feet up and his eyes fixated on the TV. “Dad?” He began. His father moved his eyes to look at him “Yes?”. Hyungwon shuffled “Could I please have a ride to Dylan’s house”. His father rolled his eyes but eventually they were in the car.   
Dylan’s house was a short, awkward and silent 10 minute drive. The only words his father spoke before speeding away were “Be home by 10”. No offer of a ride home or even a goodbye. Hyungwon didn’t mind though, at this point he just wanted to have fun. 

It was only his group of friends there at the moment, everyone else would be arriving in the next hour. There was so much alcohol in front of them. Vodka, whiskey, beer, and mixers, plus various types of alcohol that were made for shots. Dylan insisted they all be wasted before everyone else arrived. Maybe it was because they were all nervous or maybe it was because they wanted to know what it was like; but within half an hour they were all very, very drunk.

Once the party was in full swing Hyungwon didn’t feel scared anymore. He had enough alcohol to make anyone confident. He and a few others were talking the kitchen, he hadn’t even thought to text Wonho and the buzzing in his pocket was going un-noticed. He was having fun. “Shots!” Peter shouted from the other side of the room. There was a cheer and everyone walked over, he poured some green drink into 7 shot glasses and handed two Hyungwon “pass one” He said. Without thinking Hyungwon passed to a girl from his English class to whom he had a spoken to a couple times before. She smiled and took it. They did a countdown and 7 who got the shots drank them before making either a “ahh” or “belgh” noise. Hyungwon’s face squeezed and the girl next to him let out a little noise. They laughed to each other. 

Hyungwon was well and truly drunk. In fact, he was so drunk he had forgotten who he was. The main action was in the living room, where the music was loudest and the people were drunkest. A song came on that Hyungwon had previously won a competition too, without realising it he was dancing to his choreography in the middle of the room. There were cheers as he began to show off, he wasn’t shy when he was dancing sober, so dancing drunk meant he was extra confident. At the end he gave a little bow and everyone clapped. He collapsed on the coach between the girl from before and Jake. “That was so cool” She said to him. Hyungwon smiled “Thank you. You’re Jessica right?”. She nodded “Yeah, from English”.   
Hyungwon smiled “I remember”.

“I don’t often see you at parties” She said continuing the conversation. “Yeah, I don’t go to them much. It’s just cause this is my best friends house”. 

“Cool. You should come to more of them” She smiled again brightly and twirled her blonde hair. Jake gave Hyungwon a little nudge and Hyungwon looked at him. “Go for it” Jake whispered “She likes you”. Hyungwon’s face went bright red at the thought. He thought everyone knew he was gay. He had never told them but they all called him names. He smiled at Jessica. She was pretty and popular. Maybe if he dated or at least kissed her then the bullying would stop. Maybe his dad would stop rejecting him. “Do you wanna go somewhere else?” Hyungwon asked her. She nodded enthusiastically and jumped up. “Come on” She grabbed Hyungwon’s hand and lead him out of the room. The room cheered and Hyungwon felt his stomach do flips. 

She lead him upstairs. Into an empty dimly lit bedroom where the sounds of the party were muffled. Hyungwon was pretty sure this was Dylan’s parent’s room. They sat on the edge of the bed. Hyungwon’s hands were sweaty and he felt sick. He didn’t want to kiss her now that he thought about it. The idea of kissing her made his feel weird. “You’re actually really hot you know?” Jessica smiled “I thought about it before but seeing you like this. You’re really hot”. Hyungwon was happy to hear the compliment but didn’t want to compliment her back, he didn’t want to lie. “T-thanks. Look, Jessica I-“  
“I know you’re not gay” She smiled “All the rumours are obviously fake. Gay guys don’t act like you”. 

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. There was no getting out of this. “I was going to say, I haven’t kissed anyone before and I don’t really know what I’m doing” He looked away. “That’s okay” She said “Let me show you”. She began to lean in towards him, for a split second Hyungwon had hoped that this was all he needed. A pretty girl to kiss him, a pretty girl to make him straight. Maybe when they kiss everything would fix itself, he could forget about Wonho and he could be normal. Their lips finally connected but nothing happened. Hyungwon felt nothing but saliva and the taste of vodka. He didn’t enjoy it, but if he had to for a little while. He could pretend he did. 

“Oh my god” The words from the other side of the room broke the kiss. Hyungwon opened his eyes to see a group of people standing at the doorway. He immediately pulled away as did Jessica but she didn’t seemed phased. The last thing Hyungwon remembered was seeing Dylan and Peter carrying him to bed. The last thing he remembered thinking was how much he wanted his first kiss to be with Wonho instead.


End file.
